Posted in hamilpuff talks

Identity Unknown

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What is it with identities that I never wanted to get found by people around me, by people whom I converse with from time to time? What is it with identities that I keep on hiding myself from the world?

I don’t know. They say, you write for other people to read. You blog for others to read and follow you through. You publish something for people to look at and to buy or to appreciate. But how do you see someone who loves to write, blog, and publish almost everything, then hide herself away and fake her identity so people would not know that she was the one who wrote it?

Weird, right? But I don’t know. That’s just how I am, I guess? I mean… I created this new blog (again) only to realize it will be public and it will represent me, so I don’t know if I could still write over there or publish something there. I know, it’s been years since I started to blog, but my blogs usually hide me. Like, the curtains are up but the audience could not see the thin invisible line where it covers me as I watch the audience’s reaction to my shows. I created a self-hosted WordPress blog before where yeah, I earned $10 from it and no more. Then I created free sites after, reflecting me in every page without announcing it to the world. I love seeing stats, who does not? But I cringe when my stats bar show me that someone from my country read something I wrote. I just don’t feel comfortable. I feel naked every time someone from nearby views my posts.

So, identities. Let me just hide for a little while please? Let me just cover my face and embrace the comforts of being anonymous, of being no one, of being “just another WordPress Blog”, of being “oh-her?-I-do-not-know-her-actually” kind of reaction. Because being no one for me is the grandest label I could appreciate. Because being anonymous is better than people looking at you, knowing that you’re the author of this and that and some would love or hate you but I just cannot take the stares, the unspoken thoughts, the clear facial expressions. Let my identity be unknown for some time please? Let me just compose myself first before going all out once again.

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Posted in hamilpuff talks

inefficient

inefficient piece

In times when I am not feeling well, my mind is boggling me with thoughts and things to think about.

Like earlier in ESP class, this phrase was stuck in my head: evaluating the effectiveness of the course… connecting them to my Business English topic earlier too: employee motivation… replacing some words and it becomes: evaluating the effectiveness of a company with regards to how they motivate their employees… or… evaluating the effectiveness of an organization by how the true leaders motivate their subjects

How does one say something is inefficient? at home, on the school campus, at the workplace, or in a group? The Inefficiency of Being The One Who Sees It All Sometimes when you see and hear everything when you know something is definitely wrong, you are tempted to correct things, to act on it and change the way things are, or to at least lessen the pain of those who are hurt along the way. But sometimes when you act, you become inefficient due to misleading actions and words or just plain miscommunication. The Inefficiency of Being a Wallflower Of course… you will never be efficient if you stay as a wallflower. That is obvious. But the hard part in all of this is that you are aware of your inefficiency.

At first, you are determined and dedicated and passionate about what you think you could do. But when power and hierarchy kick in, you realize how inefficient you are as an individual. Your hands tremble with the thought of it, you suddenly feel helpless and alone. You were slapped with the reality that you can never change a system or anything at all if you are not in the position, which you know you do not want and will never have anyway. You struggle inside (English 7 and 8: internal conflict) and you end up either with peace of mind or self-destruction(English 7 and 8: resolution). With the kind of person that I am, it would be likely that I will end up with self-destruction for a better cause rather than attaining peace of mind.

I will never be peaceful with the way things are.

via The Daily Post

 

 

Posted in hamilpuff talks

Talisman

he gave me a talisman… something i could keep anywhere…

he gave me a talisman… something no one can see but i…

he gave me a talisman… something he made out of air…

he gave me a talisman… something i handled with care…

but another claims he gave her a talisman… something dangling on her bag…

he gave her a talisman… something she walks around with boast…

he gave her a talisman… something i could not compete…

then i asked why and how and what and i got an answer from his lips…

“it’s just a talisman… not a big deal…”

it might just be a talisman… it might just be “not a big deal”…

but i cherished the gesture even if it is almost nothing…

but i cherished the thought that i was special for once…

 

 

via The Daily Post

Posted in hamilpuff talks

on his deathbed

on his deathbed, I stare from afar and wept.

sometimes when death knocks on the door of someone we love, we swiftly answer it and shoo it away. but what if you’re the one who patiently waits for the death to bang on the door and destroys it eventually to take your loved one from you?

no matter how messed up the path which your loved one chose, no matter how bad it looks, are you willing to give up for your peace of mind’s sake? will you able to swallow your food properly thinking that you let go of a soul just because you are not satisfied with the kind of life he may have chosen to live?

yet on the deathbed, he struggles and tries to grasp for air; yet on the deathbed he grips your hand and tears fall down his scarred cheeks as you say the words “I love you”; yet on the deathbed his beloved child cries and demands a march on his graduation; yet you say farewell and goodbye all at the same time, without even realizing that he still wanted to live.

now that he’s becoming strong in the ICU, now that he heard all your falsified wishes and sugar-coated love, now that he knows how bad you wish for his death, where will you run and hide? where will you sleep comfortably? what will you do when he wakes up? what will you say when he opens his eyes? how will you answer when he speaks and asks you some if not many or one question? or will you even be there at his side when he’s strong enough to eat and sit?

I may not be familiar to the world he lives in, I may not know how hurt he may feel since you said goodbye on his bed where he wished to be cured, but what I am sure of is that…he wanted to live and make the people who did this to him pay, yet you, his own beloved blood relative made no move to protect him and did not even investigate it. how sad this pained soul could be right now…